Inner Compasses

Margaret Atwood’s words—"You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman."—capture a quiet but pervasive truth: many women live their lives shaped by an internalized male gaze.

In our twenties, a time meant for self-discovery, it’s easy to unknowingly allow this influence to guide our choices, often mistaking it for our own desires. The subtlety of this influence is what makes it so powerful; and may I say dangerous. Even the rejection of societal expectations can become a performance within the framework of what men find acceptable or alluring.

I often believe I am acting freely, but in reality, my thoughts, ambitions, and expressions are too often shaped by an imaginary onlooker. Even when I seek to assert my independence, there’s a lingering question: is this truly my choice, or am I still performing for an unseen audience?

The path forward lies in simplicity and authenticity. It’s about choosing what feels true to you—whether that aligns with or defies societal expectations. It means listening to the quiet voice within, unburdened by the desire to meet anyone’s standards but your own. The task, then, is to gently untangle our sense of self from this internalized gaze. But how do we do that?

— Self-Awareness: The first step is recognizing when and how the male gaze is influencing your thoughts and decisions. It’s not about paranoia but about being mindful of the subtle ways in which you might be accommodating or resisting this gaze, even unconsciously.

— Authenticity Over Performance: Strive to make choices that feel aligned with your values and desires, rather than what you think will make you more likable, attractive, or “acceptable.” This might mean questioning societal norms, rejecting labels, or embracing interests that don’t fit neatly into conventional narratives.

— Redefining Success and Worth: Reclaim what success, beauty, and fulfillment mean to you. Resist the urge to measure yourself against standards rooted in male approval or societal expectations. You define what a meaningful life looks like.

— Surrounding Yourself with Empowerment: Build communities and relationships that encourage authenticity and self-expression beyond the confines of the male gaze. Seek out voices, mentors, and friends who challenge patriarchal norms and encourage you to explore your identity in ways that feel true to you.

Unlearning and Relearning: Reclaiming your inner compass is a lifelong process. It involves unlearning toxic narratives that have been imposed on us and relearning how to trust our instincts, desires, and worth outside the lens of male fantasies.

In this journey, remember that selfhood is not a performance. It is a delicate unfolding, a process of learning to trust your own instincts and desires. As we reclaim our inner compass, we step into a life guided not by the gaze of others, but by the quiet certainty of who we are at our core.

— by Christina