Freedom has Fangs.

Journal entry, May 2023

As I sit in my small bedroom in my share house in the city, lying in the bed I grew up in, I realised that I’ve spent a lot of time in the unknown.

I’ve come to notice that unknown moments in our lives can be masked by others that feel familiar and provide us clarity, however, what I’ve come to learn is that the clarity and calmness arrive as quickly as they go and I am yet again lost to sea, swept up in the current of the new world I’ve chosen to swim to.

Many people have been here before me. Perhaps they’ve left fragments of knowledge that I can now learn from; knowledge of this new world that I’ve arrived in. I always understood that change was difficult, that it brought with it places you’d never been, or people you’ve never known, but what I never understood was the grief that accompanies it and how it is imbedded in our experiences of creating anew.

When I have been lost at sea in the waves of my life I had learned to cling to the mast and I somehow remained afloat. Somewhere along the way though the mast started becoming harder to grip and hold onto. I’ve hurt people in my life, even though I didn’t set out to, but what I have finally accepted is that I have been hurt too, and left to swim alone.

The time has come to allow myself the space to prioritise my own pain. I never have before, and I know why now: you can make many enemies when looking out for yourself.

Zoe